This is the third and last installment of the story “The New Year Cometh”. Sorry it took so long. If you find it a bit confusing you may need to go back and read the previous parts. Again sorry, hope you enjoy.
Cheers
Kelly
The lesson I was about to learn came in the package of a bull of a man, he looked to be about 350 lbs and in his late 40′s. I noticed him right away. He moved through the crowd like he was dirty politician, just another back slapping, rude, arsehole. He was loud and obnoxious without apology. I distinctly remember feeling pity and empathy for the poor person who would have to wait on that man. He was definitely a different skill level in the art of waitering. It was a skill level I didn’t even know existed. But I figured that no one would be so cruel as to make me, a newbie, serve a man like that.
So far, I’d been able to navigate myself from situation to situation successfully. Maybe I wasn’t the most gracefully, but at least I had made it this far without any major problems. Things were going great, I was making multiple trips to the loading dock, which kept me light on my feet and smiling, plus I had June’s intensive waiter training behind me. The evening was falling into place nicely, I was running for the bar, the buffet and not to mention waitering, I was feeling pretty good. My confidence level was at an all time high.
As the running I described earlier turned effortlessly into a proud stride, I started to look like I belonged. I remember thinking,
“I did it, I fooled them all.”
I thought I had passed all the tests, I was a waiter. But as I stood there and straightened my black bow tie, a chill went up my spine, a voice behind me bellowed for their waiter. I quickly turned around and with as much enthusiasm as I could fake, I answered.
“Yes sir how ca,,,,” I can’t be sure but I think that was the closest I’ve ever come to shitting myself. There I was frozen, shocked and scared.
“what da ya gotta do to get service?” He asked.
“Sorry sir” I said “Is there anything I can get you?” my voice went squeaky. How in the hell did I end up with him, this has got to be a joke on the new guy. “Yah! that’s it” I thought to myself this is a good old fashion hazing, it just has to be!
“Listen, for starters, we’ll both have a bowl of chowder and extra rolls” He put his hand on his wife’s shoulder, and then turned to chat with the other people at his table.
For a moment I just stood there, I knew something wasn’t right, but I have to admit as far as a hazing this was a pretty good one. I was confused and to tell the truth a bit stunned.
He must have noticed my confusion, because he turned to me and asked.
“Is there a problem?”
“Well sir, I ah, I,, well” I stood there, at a loss for words.
“Listen!” He said, he was quickly becoming irate. “You run off and get two bowls of chowder! Then! Bring em back here, then I’ll let ya know the rest of our order.” he huffed.
“Oh, don’t forget the extra rolls” again he turns to chat with the other guests.
“Well I guess this isn’t a hazing” I thought while at the same time I stuttered under my breath “fuck me!”
“Ah, excuse sir” I taped him on the shoulder. “This is a buffet” I said bluntly but politely.
“A buffet, eh? Well I didn’t pay no fifty dollars, each that is.” He pulled his wife to him, squeezing her tightly, her eyes bulging and glassy from too much pre-dinner wine.
“I am not! I repeat not! Getting my own fucking food, I don’t even do that home, she gets it.” He squeezes her tighter , as if to cue her to back him up.
“That’s right dear” She quickly answers, she went on to say,
“and another thing fifty dol,,” But bull rudely cut her off , he put his hand up in front of her face. He got the response he wanted, he didn’t care what else she had to say, probably never did.
With the same hand he waved at me to go “So run off and get my fucking chowder!” He turns back to the table
I heard him say to the other guests as I walked away.”can you fucking imagine?”
I didn’t know what to do. At first I went to the buffet table and just stood there staring at the chowder. I worked on deep breathing relaxation, while at the same time practicing the ancient art of positive visualization, I pictured myself with super strength, enough strength to pick up that tub of shit and toss him out. Then I saw June, he’d know what to do, “Yah! June, fuck why didn’t I think of that, He’d have the answer”
“What the puck do you mean? It’s a pucking buffet, there’s no service!” was June’s answer
“I know it’s a buffet, but he still wants me to serve him” I said
“tell him no.” he said
“June I did tell him no, but he got mad!” Now I was starting to get excited again, “breathe deep” now I was talking to myself.
“Don’t get upset with me, puck I don’t know what to do, puck go tell Allen”
Well June wasn’t as much help as I thought he’d be, I’m starting to get more excited as time passes. I”ve got the fucking Bull sitting over their waiting for his damn chowder. This whole time I’ve been worrying about one guy. Now the bartender is looking for me, she needs to be restocked, the buffet is getting low and my other tables need me as well . The perfect storm is about to drop on me and I’m too new and stupid to even know it.
I finally found Allen, he was sitting in his office having a quick smoke. I knocked on the door frame and stuck my head in.
“Hey Allen I’ve got a little problem.”
“What is it Harquail?” He asked
“Allen I hate to bother you but I have a rude guest, he wants me to get his food, I told him it was a buffet but he didn’t care,” I quickly and without taking a breath, went on to recount the rest of the story, making sure to add how big the bull was and how much he swore and so on. Throughout the entire story Allen sat there smoking his cigarette and nodding in complete agreement. When I was done I was sure he would be able to solve this problem I had.
“so you see if you could just talk to him then everything will be alright.” I finally took a breath. Standing there out of breath, probably all bugged eyed too, I waited for Allen to get up and follow me into the banquet room. But he didn’t get up, no instead he sat himself back in his big seat, put his arms on the chairs rests and blew out the last bit of smoke still lingering in his lungs.
“Listen Kelly, you’re a good kid and you’re turning out to be a pretty good worker as well, you may smoke a little more pot than I would recommend, but you get your work done and you get along with everyone,”
He paused and started to get up. ”so I would really like to help you out but sometimes you need to learn how to manage situations your way.”
He started walking towards me “You are always going to have to serve assholes and if you want to last anytime at all in this industry you need to figure out how to handle them yourself.” By this time Allen had me backed out of his office.
I stood there absorbing everything in. “What the fuck just happened” I said, I felt sick, alone, I felt like running for the exit. But I didn’t, instead I found myself slowly walking into banquet room.
Now it’s strange what we can remember and what we can’t, I remember walking into the room but I don’t remember hearing anything but my heart beat. I could see the bartender, she was signaling for me, but I just blankly stared at her and carried on, I saw my other tables desperate to get my attention but I just kept walking, walking right to the Bull. I can’t be sure but I think I actually heard the entire room gasp as I approached the Bull. With a great deep breath I paused, looked around the room, anyone close by sat wide-eyed as they waited for my encounter with the Bull to begin.
I quickly came up with a game plan. I would use passive resistance, no matter what he says, be polite. Whats the worst thing that could happen.
“excuse me sir” I tapped him on the shoulder “sir, excuse me?”
“What is it!” he barked
“Where in the hell is our chowder! We’ve been waiting so long that I almost sent my wife up.” he was upset, and about to get even more upset.
“Ah, Yes, your chowders, um that’s what I have, I mean that’s what you need ah,,”
“What the fuck are you babbling about?” he asked
“Well sir I was talking to my manager, we agreed that because of all my duties it would be unfair to the other guests if I brought you your food.” I thought that sounded reasonable and was feeling secure, so secure that I decided to add, “seeing that you did by a ticket to a buffet, just like everyone else,”
Now I’m still not sure what set him off, it could have been me standing up to him, or maybe he that I was being insulting. I was never sure, but I was sure that the response he was about to lay on me was unwarranted, over the line and a big mistake.
“YOU IGNORANT LITTLE SHIT, GET ME MY FUCKING CHOWDER OR YOUR MANAGER!” The Bull had steam coming out of his nostrils now, just like in a cartoon, I swear actual steam.
From the opposite side of the room I could see Allen making a bee line straight towards me, he now knew I was over my head and was on his way to diffuse the situation. Too bad he didn’t walk just a little quicker. I was about to lose it
It’s funny, during my interview for this job I was never asked how I might react if I ever found myself in a similar situation to this one. Seeing that I was going to work with the public, someone might have thought to ask me, “What would you do if?” Maybe even a quick ink blot test. I’ve worked with plenty of people over the years who would have never past the old ink blot test. But what would I have said, how do you tell a perspective employer, that on the rare occasion, under the right set of circumstances, that I have a tendency to blow my top and let whoever is lighting my fuse have it. It’s just something you never think will happen and work.
“OK, relax Allen is coming. “ was my mantra, deep breaths and focus, you can do. “Come on you are distinguished graduate of June’s waiter training, hold on just a few more moments.”
I never noticed Allen coming up right behind me, I was starting to forgot I was in a room with close to a thousand people, all I saw was the Bull. He was red faced from yelling at me and sweat was rolling down his cheek. We stared at each other for a brief moment, I wasn’t going to look away. The longer I stared at his big head the madder I got, I couldn’t take it anymore.
“YOU! I yelled.
Thats when I felt Allen’s hand on my shoulder.
When I was younger I would walk along the railway tracks with my friends. We would try to see who could walk and balance themselves the longest. It was fun, you would always end up standing on one leg, with the other stretched out to match your flailing arms, all in an attempted to stay balanced. But inevitably you always fell, no amount of concentration or flailing was going to help keep you on the track.
I knew from the moment that I opened my mouth that I was about to say something dumb. It was just like I was falling off that track again, I had no control, it was coming out.”
“YOU BIG FAT FUCK, YOU LOOK LIKE JABBA THE HUT!”
I can’t remember the Bull’s reaction, or anyone’s for that matter. I was in a state of shock from what had just happened. I walked directly out of the room,I kept my head down, making sure I just put one foot in front of the other. I didn’t say a word to anyone else, I walked down the back hallway. Other staff members, waiters and waitresses, busboys and bartenders all just stood there staring at me. At one time or another every one of them wanted to say some of what I said, but they, like me, knew it was the quickest way to get fired.
I walked right into Allen’s office, no sense in waiting for him to find me, let’s get this over with. I sat there waiting and thinking. Shit what did I do, this was a great job and now because of that one miserable man I was about to lose it. Then June popped his head in the door.
“Man you sure pucking lost it, I almost went pee in my pants.” he laughed. Allen walked past him and into the office.
“June can you get the door please?’ He sat there and waited till the door was closed.
I hated the silence, the look,” fuck can we please just get this over with.” I thought to myself.
Then I heard the click of the door close and I wanted it open again. I wasn’t ready for this. “can I have a smoke Allen?” I asked
“Go ahead, man you deserve it” he answered.
I deserve it, what did he mean by that?
“alright, I don’t condone what just happened and I should fire you right now, but”
“But? But what? What could he mean by saying but?” My mind was spinning, my whole night, the loading dock, June’s training, the running around and the Bull fight, all filtered down to a single BUT.
“But seeing that this was your first night as a waiter and you did come to me to try to get help, I’m going to let this pass.” He passed me a cigarette.
“It doesn’t mean that this sort of thing can happen again” Allen was always stern but fair.
“I’m really sorry Allen, I didn’t mean to loss my temper. It’s that I didn’t know what to do.”
“Kelly, shit happens and some people are assholes, it’s just that simple. But as you get more experience you’ll learn how to better manage these situations. But enough of this shit. Are ya finished your smoke?”
“ah, ya, thanks” I wasn’t actually finished, but I thought why push my luck, get out while you can.
“Thanks Allen” I said
“Just keep your cool ok” He slapped me on the back and started to walk away but he stopped and turned to me. “Oh Ya, Harquail, stay out of the room for a while. At least until Jabba leaves, he doesn’t look much like a dancer and will probably leave after he eats” Then he walked away.
I swear I heard him say “Jabba the Hut” to himself as he walked down the hall and laughed. I always did like Allen.
I ended up spending the rest of the night being a good old busboy again, but I would go on to waiter again, for the next nine years. It was my most demanding, stressful and craziest job I ever had, but I did love it.
By the time I was ready for my next career change, I learned most of my coping skills from waitering. It also allowed me the opportunity to meet a lot of people and make some good friends, shit I meet my wife while I was a waiter. As for the Bull I never did see him again, just like a true asshole, he’s behind me now. But I never watch “Return of The Jedi” without thinking of that shithead. Jabba the Hut, I have to admit it, it was a good one. Even June laughed about that one for years, the pucking nut.
