Cheers

Kelly

The lesson I was about to learn came in the package of a bull of a man, he looked to be about 350 lbs and in his late 40′s. I noticed him right away. He moved through the crowd like he was dirty politician, just another back slapping, rude, arsehole. He was loud and obnoxious without apology. I distinctly remember feeling pity and empathy for the poor person who would have to wait on that man. He was definitely a different skill level in the art of waitering. It was a skill level I didn’t even know existed. But I figured that no one would be so cruel as to make me, a newbie, serve a man like that.

So far, I’d been able to navigate myself from situation to situation successfully. Maybe I wasn’t the most gracefully, but at least I had made it this far without any major problems. Things were going great, I was making multiple trips to the loading dock, which kept me light on my feet and smiling, plus I had June’s intensive waiter training behind me. The evening was falling into place nicely, I was running for the bar, the buffet and not to mention waitering, I was feeling pretty good. My confidence level was at an all time high.

As the running I described earlier turned effortlessly into a proud stride, I started to look like I belonged. I remember thinking,

“I did it, I fooled them all.”

I thought I had passed all the tests, I was a waiter. But as I stood there and straightened my black bow tie, a chill went up my spine, a voice behind me bellowed for their waiter. I quickly turned around and with as much enthusiasm as I could fake, I answered.

“Yes sir how ca,,,,” I can’t be sure but I think that was the closest I’ve ever come to shitting myself. There I was frozen, shocked and scared.

“what da ya gotta do to get service?” He asked.

“Sorry sir” I said “Is there anything I can get you?”  my voice went squeaky. How in the hell did I end up with him, this has got to be a joke on the new guy. “Yah! that’s it” I thought to myself this is a good old fashion hazing, it just has to be!

“Listen, for starters, we’ll both have a bowl of chowder and extra rolls” He put his hand on his wife’s shoulder, and then turned to chat with the other people at his table.

For a moment I just stood there, I knew something wasn’t right, but I have to admit as far as a hazing this was a pretty good one. I was confused and to tell the truth a bit stunned.

He must have noticed my confusion, because he turned to me and asked.

“Is there a problem?”

“Well sir, I ah, I,, well”  I stood there, at a loss for words.

“Listen!” He said, he was quickly becoming irate. “You run off and get two bowls of chowder! Then! Bring em back here, then I’ll let ya know the rest of our order.” he huffed.

“Oh, don’t forget the extra rolls” again he turns to chat with the other guests.

“Well I guess this isn’t a hazing”  I thought while at the same time I stuttered under my breath “fuck me!”

“Ah, excuse sir” I taped him on the shoulder. “This is a buffet” I said bluntly but politely.

“A buffet, eh? Well I didn’t pay no fifty dollars, each that is.” He pulled his wife to him, squeezing her tightly, her eyes bulging and glassy from too much pre-dinner wine.

“I am not! I repeat not! Getting my own fucking food, I don’t even do that home, she gets it.” He squeezes her tighter , as if to cue her to back him up.

“That’s right dear” She quickly answers, she went on to say,

“and another thing fifty dol,,”  But bull rudely cut her off , he put his hand up in front of her face. He got the response he wanted, he didn’t care what else she had to say, probably never did.

 With the same hand he waved at me to go “So run off and get my fucking chowder!” He turns back to the table

I heard him say to the other guests as I walked away.”can you fucking imagine?”

I didn’t know what to do. At first I went to the buffet table and just stood there staring at the chowder. I worked on deep breathing relaxation, while at the same time practicing the ancient art of positive visualization, I pictured myself with super strength, enough strength to pick up that tub of shit and toss him out. Then I saw June, he’d know what to do, “Yah! June, fuck why didn’t I think of that, He’d have the answer”

“What the puck do you mean? It’s a pucking buffet, there’s no service!” was June’s answer

“I know it’s a buffet, but he still wants me to serve him” I said

“tell him no.” he said

“June I did tell him no, but he got mad!” Now I was starting to get excited again, “breathe deep” now I was talking to myself.

“Don’t get upset with me, puck I don’t know what to do, puck  go tell Allen”

Well June wasn’t as much help as I thought he’d be, I’m starting to get more excited as time passes. I”ve got the fucking Bull sitting over their waiting for his damn chowder. This whole time I’ve been worrying  about one guy. Now the bartender is looking for me, she needs to be restocked, the buffet is getting low and my other tables need me as well . The perfect storm is about to drop on me and I’m too new and stupid to even know it.

I finally found Allen, he was sitting in his office having a quick smoke. I knocked on the door frame and stuck my head in.

“Hey Allen I’ve got a little problem.”

“What is it Harquail?” He asked

“Allen I hate to bother you but I have a rude guest, he wants me to get his food, I told him it was a buffet but he didn’t care,” I quickly and without taking a breath, went on to recount the rest of the story, making sure to add how big the bull was and how much he swore and so on. Throughout the entire story Allen sat there smoking his cigarette and nodding in complete agreement. When I was done I was sure he would be able to solve this problem I had.

“so you see if you could just talk to him then everything will be alright.” I finally took a breath. Standing there out of breath, probably all bugged eyed too, I waited for Allen to get up and follow me into the banquet room. But he didn’t get up, no instead he sat himself back in his big seat, put his arms on the chairs rests and blew out the last bit of smoke still lingering in his lungs.

“Listen Kelly, you’re a good kid and you’re turning out to be a pretty good worker as well, you may smoke a little more pot than I would recommend, but you get your work done and you get along with everyone,” 

He paused and started to get up. ”so I would really like to help you out but sometimes you need to learn how to manage situations your way.”

He started walking towards me “You are always going to have to serve assholes and if you want to last anytime at all in this industry you need to figure out how to handle them yourself.” By this time Allen had me backed out of his office.

 I stood there absorbing everything in. “What the fuck just happened” I said, I felt sick, alone, I felt like running for the exit. But I didn’t, instead I found myself slowly walking into banquet room.

Now it’s strange what we can remember and what we can’t, I remember walking into the room but I don’t remember hearing anything but my heart beat. I could see the bartender, she was signaling for me, but I just blankly stared at her and carried on, I saw my other tables desperate to get my attention but I just kept walking, walking right to the Bull. I can’t be sure but I think I actually heard the entire room gasp as I approached the Bull. With a great deep breath I paused, looked around the room, anyone close by sat wide-eyed as they waited for my encounter with the Bull to begin.

I quickly came up with a game plan. I would use passive resistance, no matter what he says, be polite. Whats the worst thing that could happen.

“excuse me sir” I tapped him on the shoulder  “sir, excuse me?”

“What is it!” he barked

“Where in the hell is our chowder! We’ve been waiting so long that I almost sent my wife up.”  he was upset, and about to get even more upset.

“Ah, Yes, your chowders, um that’s what I have, I mean that’s what you need ah,,”

“What the fuck are you babbling about?” he asked

“Well sir I was talking to my manager, we agreed that because of all my duties it would be unfair to the other guests if I brought you your food.” I thought that sounded reasonable and was feeling secure, so secure that I decided to add, “seeing that you did by a ticket to a buffet, just like everyone else,”

Now I’m still not sure what set him off, it could have been me standing up to him, or maybe he that I was being insulting. I was never sure, but I was sure that the response he was about to lay on me was unwarranted, over the line and a big mistake.

“YOU IGNORANT LITTLE SHIT, GET ME MY FUCKING CHOWDER OR YOUR MANAGER!” The Bull had steam coming out of his nostrils now, just like in a cartoon, I swear actual steam.

From the opposite side of the room I could see Allen making a bee line straight towards me, he now knew I was over my head and was on his way to diffuse the situation. Too bad he didn’t walk just a little quicker. I was about to lose it

It’s funny, during my interview for this job I was never asked how I might react if I ever found myself in a similar situation to this one. Seeing that I was going to work with the public, someone might have thought to ask me, “What would you do if?” Maybe even a quick ink blot test. I’ve worked with plenty of people over the years who would have never past the old ink blot test. But what would I have said, how do you tell a perspective employer, that on the rare occasion, under the right set of circumstances, that I have a tendency to blow my top and let whoever is lighting my fuse have it. It’s just something you never think will happen and work.

“OK, relax Allen is coming. “ was my mantra, deep breaths and  focus, you can do. “Come on you are distinguished graduate of June’s waiter training, hold on just a few more moments.”

I never noticed Allen coming up right behind me, I was starting to forgot I was in a room with close to a thousand people, all I saw was the Bull. He was red faced from yelling at me and sweat was rolling down his cheek. We stared at each other for a brief moment, I wasn’t going to look away. The longer I stared at his big head the madder I got, I couldn’t take it anymore.

“YOU! I yelled.

Thats when I felt Allen’s hand on my shoulder.

When I was younger I would walk along the railway tracks with my friends. We would try to see who could walk and balance themselves the longest. It was fun, you would always end up standing on one leg, with the other stretched out to match your flailing arms, all in an attempted to stay balanced. But inevitably you always fell, no amount of concentration or flailing was going to help keep you on the track.

I knew from the moment that I opened my mouth that I was about to say something dumb. It was just like I was falling off that track again, I had no control, it was coming out.”

“YOU BIG FAT FUCK, YOU LOOK LIKE JABBA THE HUT!”

I can’t remember the Bull’s reaction, or anyone’s for that matter. I was in a state of shock from what had just happened. I walked directly out of the room,I kept my head down, making sure I just put one foot in front of the other. I didn’t say a word to anyone else, I walked down the back hallway. Other staff members, waiters and waitresses, busboys and bartenders all just stood there staring at me. At one time or another every one of them wanted to say some of what I said, but they, like me, knew it was the quickest way to get fired.

I walked right into Allen’s office, no sense in waiting for him to find me, let’s get this over with. I sat there waiting and thinking. Shit what did I do, this was a great job and now because of that one miserable man I was about to lose it. Then June popped his head in the door.

“Man you sure pucking lost it, I almost went pee in my pants.” he laughed. Allen walked past him and into the office.

“June can you get the door please?’ He sat there and waited till the door was closed.

I hated the silence, the look,” fuck can we please just get this over with.” I thought to myself.

Then I heard the click of the door close and I wanted it open again. I wasn’t ready for this. “can I have a smoke Allen?” I asked

“Go ahead, man you deserve it” he answered.

I deserve it, what did he mean by that?

“alright, I don’t condone what just happened and I should fire you right now, but”

“But? But what? What could he mean by saying but?” My mind was spinning, my whole night, the loading dock, June’s training, the running around and the Bull fight, all filtered down to a single BUT.

“But seeing that this was your first night as a waiter and you did come to me to try to get help, I’m going to let this pass.” He passed me a cigarette.

“It doesn’t mean that this sort of thing can happen again” Allen was always stern but fair.

“I’m really sorry Allen, I didn’t mean to loss my temper. It’s that I didn’t know what to do.”

“Kelly, shit happens and some people are assholes, it’s just that simple. But as you get more experience you’ll learn how to better manage these situations. But enough of this shit. Are ya finished your smoke?”

“ah, ya, thanks” I wasn’t actually finished, but I thought why push my luck, get out while you can.

“Thanks Allen” I said

“Just keep your cool ok” He slapped me on the back and started to walk away but he stopped and turned to me. “Oh Ya, Harquail, stay out of the room for a while. At least until Jabba leaves, he doesn’t look much like a dancer and will probably leave after he eats” Then he walked away.

I swear I heard him say “Jabba the Hut” to himself as he walked down the hall and laughed. I always did like Allen.

I ended up spending the rest of the night being a good old busboy again, but I would go on to waiter again, for the next nine years. It was my most demanding, stressful and craziest job I ever had, but I did love it.

By the time I was ready for my next career change, I learned most of my coping skills from waitering. It also allowed me the opportunity to meet a lot of people and make some good friends, shit I meet my wife while I was a waiter. As for the Bull I never did see him again, just like a true asshole, he’s behind me now. But I never watch “Return of The Jedi” without thinking of that shithead. Jabba the Hut, I have to admit it, it was a good one. Even June laughed about that one for years, the pucking nut.

they roam, waiting

until it is done.

Hot, the steam marks their spot,

like little campfires they huddle.

With light and thoughts as their view,

they sit in love.

They don’t talk yet, they don’t have to.

Love on a saturday afternoon, when the day is grey and the tea burns as you sip,

quietly you sit looking away to only be stared at.

Talk of friends, places and weather starts with ease,

until it moves to an excited pace,

 until you don’t have anything else to say.

Silence again as you stare away, only to be stared at.

Giddily the conversation moves from sighs to you know whats,

 love on a saturday afternoon, when the day is grey and time runs out.

Can it survive on the mundane,

is there a future in the simple and delicate talk of friends and life,

without saying what the other should hear.

You ramble only to be become a friend.

Love on a Saturday afternoon.

sitting and listening to rants of life,

how nice it is to share,

 remember when and did I ever tell ya.

How mundane and they both know it,

not even the caffeine can energize this.

Love on a saturday afternoon.

My latte is getting cold, it’s the small fucking hole in the plastic lid, it takes longer to drink, so the latte gets cold. Holy shit a lot of people wear black in the winter, I really should get a new jacket. Everyone looks good in black. Damn latte, why don’t I ever just take off the lid.

More black jackets, it’s a fucking cult, I know it. Now I feel like I stand out. Don’t even think of taking the lid off the cup now. Stare at that wall like you know something no one else does.

How old is that wall? Do they stiil use brick to build with anymore? I wonder if anyone had noticed the big crack. I guess as long as it doesnt fall down people just ignore the crack, fuck the crack.

Did it happen all at once? Did all these people just wake up one day and decide all at once that black was it? Did the crack happen all at once, how did it get there? Is it old like the wall?

Is the crack still growing, is it alive, organic? Does it add character, or take it away? Does wearing black like everyone else do the same? Is wearing black a growing trend?

I like the crack in the wall, I don’t like all the black jackets and my fucking latte is ice cold, fucking lids. Why don’t I ever just take them off?

 ”I have spent the better part of the last 12 years  in the manufacturing/construction industry. Surrounded by men, who for the most past are unhappy and depressed. The can be rude, racists, mean, thoughtless and boring. I don’t enjoy these conversations, I wanted to experience the conversations of my youth.”

It is these words that I have a problem with. First allow me to explain, normally I would re-read my posts a few times for errors, believe me I make a shit load. Also I normally I always have my wife proof read it, never for content, only for grammar/spelling. In my rush to put out the post I posted errors. Some I can live with, others like this one I can not. I will correct them, if you have a problem with that too fucking bad it’s my blog so piss off,  if I want to change my mistakes then I will. I will use an * to show my correction.

I said I was surrounded by men who for the *part* are unhappy *or* depressed. *Some* can be rude ,,,,,,.

I hope you realize by just correcting those words you can see that my intent was to so how much I detest being around those sort of people not all the people I worked with from my past 12 years.

I have met some of the best people, in the past 12 years. That is why it has been so hard for me and why it has taken me so long to find out about my abilities. For the longest time I thought I was supposed to be a certain way. I used most of the people I worked with as guides. We shared so many similarities from a common background. Since I don’t have the capabilities to finish tasks, follow through with projects or even realize that I had a problem, I thought that if I just went along I would be content. Make some money and live my life outside of work. I found out that it just doesn’t work out that way for me, sometimes I wish it could but it really doesn’t. I’m different oh well fuck it.

But as far as believing I work with nothing but racists, mean etc,,, that just isn’t the case. Most of the men and women I work with are nothing like that, but with that being said the environment does tend to allow or turn a blind eye to racists remarks, when no one of race is around, and I’m talking about all races, French, Indian, African etc,,. Also the industry does have an awful large number of mean/angry people, what I would call depressed and suppressing it. Hey it can be hard, dangerous, dirty work. Shit just because I say that I need something else doesn’t mean you don’t either. I just want my fellow workers to know that I really do respect almost all of them and you know who you are, I’m not going to keep kissing your asses much longer, even though I know you’re loving it. I was probably the meanest, rudest guy at times. I felt so insecure of who I was that I would lash out. In an environment where bullying is still practiced, hazing and teasing, you learn pretty quick how to defend yourself, if you don’t then you’re one of the teased. It’s fucking sad but true. Men and women can be treated like shit by the very people (management) who rely on these very workers to execute the tasks of keeping their corporate machine afloat.

Anyways I feel a socialistic rant coming on, time to read some Leonard Cohen. I’ve corrected my mistakes and said what I wanted. Time to move on.

Reader beware I have posted this without any sort of re-read, proof read and spell check.

Please be advised that any offending remarks may or may not be attributed to lack of concentration, remorse, or mistake.

Anyone feeling an apology is due, may be also advised that from here on out apologies will not be handed out so lightly. The editorial staff behind this blog believe it is in the best interests, of all involved, that a study would be required to determine the validity, degree of offence and adequate response to any related offence, mistake or lack of concentration.

At this time a committee is being put together to determine who shall bear the cost of said study.

Anyone who wishes to be on this committee, or wishes to put someone on the committee should further be advised the person in charge of taken names for the committees has just recently resigned due to creative differences with some of the editorial board.

Further more until all the legal proceedings referring to the afore mentioned have been finalized no new name taker shall be hired

The people behind this Blog really wish they could apologize for any inconvenience, but under legal advisement they are not allowed.

So, shit, ah ya well, here’s hoping

I have AD(H)D. For those of you not in the know, AD(H)D stands for Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder and I have it.

The best and quickest way to explain this is to think of a non-AD(H)D brain as a TV set with over 100 channels. The person in control of this TV can flip from channel to channel when ever they want. They can watch one show until it is done or they can choose to watch something else.

The AD(H)D brain has no control, the 100′s of channels constantly change, flipping from one show to another. The brain doesn’t allow the viewer the chance to finish the show, or give it enough time to get all the important information it will need later. For whatever reason, normal concentration will not give the viewer any control. The exception is if the viewer gets lucky enough to come across a show that really interests them. Then they can focus to an extreme, it is called hyper-focusing.

Now all of this is a very simplistic view, but it’s also a very hard thing to explain.

Unless I re-boot or purge, I just get lost within my brain. I can’t concentrate normally and I can’t get anything creative done. So I found that if I just ramble and let things out, I can then go back to writing stories. So please bear with me.

If I were to take an educated guess I’d say that for 99.99% of the world’s population life is constant work and can be hard at times. I don’t know of anyone who has gone through life without problems or obstacles. Life can, for all it’s beauty and wonder, fucking suck. Sorry but it’s true, people can go through some shitty stuff. But that’s life.

Luckily we can be pretty resilient and that is what I’ve been trying to say for at least a week. You see, one of the many things I need to work on is, following through with tasks. Like this Blog for instance, I started a week ago writing this, but everyday I work away at it, trying to say something, or just letting something the fuck out. The problem is that I have too much to say and each time that I’ve come back to write, I want to talk about something else. 

I’ve changed the tone, the theme, fuck I went from a rant to a prayer. But I’ve come to a conclusion about one thing.  I have decided that this will be my last long-winded ”RANT” as I like to call it. While attempting to write this post I’ve let my brain loose, I cut the tether and allowed it to rome freely. I like to call this free range thought, 100% all natural and certified organic. It is meditative, I don’t get stressed from trying to concentrate, no outside stimuli just me and my trusty old thought processor. I can get clarity when I do this.

So here’s what I and the great consortium of thoughts from my head came up with.

• I am tired, so fucking tired of thinking I need to explain myself anymore. I am what I am. I’m dealing with it the best way I can.
• I like having ADHD and I’ve accepted that I have an anxiety disorder, so fucking what, the only difference between me and a lot of you out there is that I freely admit it. I do not think of any of my (and this is the last time I will use this derogatory term) “CONDITIONS” as weakness. They are what make me, me. When push comes to shove I can be the strongest in the room, because of my abilities not despite them.
• I have changed, no really I have. I no longer live in fear, confusion and guilt. I will not apologize anymore for what happened in the past. But I will continue to fix and correct any mistakes I made.
• I have decide to direct my focus, I have to work at creating a future for myself and my family. I have decide to try to dedicate my efforts towards a sustainable lifestyle centred around creativity. To this end the entire family is slowly changing our home into a creative studio, allowing free thought and expression to be our decorative guide.
• I have joined the NB Film coop, a wonderful community of persons who, like me love films. I am, because in my heart or hearts have always been, a film maker. That is my future as well as my present. Hopefully through the coop and with the help of the many talented members, I will be able to learn and acquire the skills that will help me tell my stories through the film medium.
• I will continue to write stories, fiction from my memories. I will post them on this blog.
• I will continue to work on this blog. I have to always remember that this was to be an organic experiment, the blog must evolve or become obsolete.
• If I still need to rant, I will set up a page directed to that alone, they will be small rants, maybe  more often so shit doesn’t build up. But remember this is to be considered my last essay dedicated solely to any of my new abilities.
• I will continue to reach out to other creative people, so far it has really helped me connect with a couple of people. But at the same time I would like those who I have previously contacted, to understand that if I in any way made you feel uncomfortable I apologize. I was only trying to reach out to new and different people, my method, though sincere, may have not been the best approach. Just to let everyone what I’m talking about. For awhile I felt very unsure of who I was. I knew who I wanted to be, but at the time I had no idea how to achieve it. I wanted and still do, to  make contact with other artists/actors/writers/musicians whatever, but I think I may have, well turned some off, or made them think I was strange. This was not what I wanted when I sent out emails. Please blame the newly acquired enthusiasm I have to meet and reconnect with people as  the inspiration behind my reaching out to a wide variety of people.
• People, everyone, should know that even though I am changing a lot, I’m not looking for a change if you understand me. The reason I say this is because I have reached out to more women than men. There is a simple reason for this; I enjoy being friends with girls, I just do. I was very close to my grandmother who I loved dearly and still do, I am very close to my mother, I have an absolutely fantastic happy marriage to my best friend and we have two beautiful girls. But I have spent the better part of the last 12 years  in the manufatoring/construction industry. Surrounded by men, who for the most past are unhappy and depressed. The can be rude, racists, mean, thoughtless and boring. I don’t enjoy these conversations, I wanted to experience the conversations of my youth. Talk of creating and emotions, exciting ideas, and how to make the world a better place. Shit that was a mini rant inside a rant, but you got the picture. Anyways I hope I didn’t make people feel uncomfortable, that was never my intention.
• My life has become an open book. Because of my addiction to gambling, I learned to create a fantasy world, based on lies and omissions of truth. This was the razor blade that nearly destroyed me from the inside out. I need for my life to be transparent, I can’t hold much in anymore. That is way I write my rants, write my stories and answer any question related to my past shit. I do it to help me and help any one else who may need to talk, I not pulling my fucking punches anymore. I almost died, I almost killed myself (many times), I’ve cried like a baby and prayed to god. I went without sleep for days because of worries, anxiety and lies. NO fucking more, my happiness, as selfish as this is, depends upon me looking after me.
• Man I could go on and on but I think my point has been made and my brain is really starting to get in line, if only for the moment. The mind is a beautiful thing to waste, but it sure is an awesome thing to play in when your wasting time.

Anyways with all that said, I would like to thank all those family and friends who have been so supportive and thoughtful to me. Thank you for listening and your understanding. Life can be hard work, but it is also to be enjoyed, experimented with, and cherished. I try to always remember the words of Joe Strummer (The Clash), how cool and wild it is to think, with all the time that has passed and all the time left to come, we have found ourselves here together on this planet at the same time. Once were gone, so is our chance to make a better life for ourselves and others.

Thus end the purge.

PS I am still open for coffee if anyone is interested. So If anyone is ever bored and would enjoy some conversation just get ahold of me.

Cheers